Polite Savages (tm)

Holiday Greeting Cards

      It's that time of year again when you send out cards, newsletters and other greetings to friends, family and business associates.  Most likely, these are people that you don't speak to regularly throughout the year or are important to your professional life.  In any case, you should keep certain guidelines in mind. 

     1.    Do not send religious themed greetings to people who are not religious or a member of a different religion.  For example, if you have Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist friends then don't send out cards that feature illustrations of Jesus, Christmas trees or religious messages like "Hallelujah to our Messiah!"

     2.  Keep your personal and business life separate.  Business contacts don't really need to know the minutiae of your tortured family life. 

     3.  Always include a personal message.  People glaze over a printed a message but they are more likely to read a handwritten one. 

    

      

No Offense

     If you ever find yourself saying those two words, then you should probably follow them with "forget it" and distract the other person by telling them they've just won the lottery or that their dog died.  Make sure it's something shocking so they'll forget that you were about to say something that they didn't want to hear.  Because really, what pleasant words can come after "no offense"?  "No offense, I think you're spouse is awful." "No offense, but you've put on quite a bit of weight."  "No offense, but you're really boring."  I'm open to suggestions. 

     There are other phrases like "no offense", such as, "I mean this in the best way" or any other variant where you try to cushion a potentially offensive following statement.  And it doesn't help that the holidays approach where chance and duty mix people together with a volatile mix of emotions, alcohol and prescription medications.  Lay off the booze, lay off the meds or just lay off saying the things that might hurt other people's feelings.

No Smoking and No High Heels (Spiky that is)

     The holidays are approaching and the social season begins.  We send and receive invitations to dinners, cocktail parties and the like.  Recently I received a holiday cocktail party invitation through evite, which is perfectly fine.  However, instead of a warm description of the purpose or character of the party I read the following three lines: 

- RSVP by December 7th.

- Smoking on roof deck only (not inside or in front of house).

-  Spiky high heel shoes not permitted on top floor of house.

     I don't have a problem with the first item because a hostess is perfectly within her rights to know who's coming.  The second two things make me want to smoke and wear spiky high heels, two things I don't do.  Those statements are not very welcoming although I completely understand the rationale.  I don't permit smoking in my home and I dread high heels marking our wood floors.  On the other hand, I would hope that as adults and living in a certain society, we all know that smoking is not permitted unless otherwise specified and I've been to many parties where people either offer to take off their shoes or the hosts don't demonstrate their floor fetish openly. 

     I would suggest to these people that they just not bother having the party or they get over it.  As a practical matter, they can ask people not to smoke and close off the floor of their house with the soft floors.   And to boot I hope that their neighbors realize that apparently these hosts think that it's OK for their guests to smoke in front of other people's homes. 

Where not to use a Cellphone

    Earlier this evening, I was struck by my friend's politeness.  She and I were chatting on the phone.  She was in line at a store and excused herself from our conversation for that reason.  I thought that was a really well-mannered thing to do or a good way to get me to hang up.  Either way you shouldn't be using your mobile phone in that and many other situations. 

1. In a church or other place of worship
2. In line at a store  (unless it's self-checkout, you shouldn't treat a human cashier like some automated register and even then you'll always check to make sure the automated register isn't cheating you)
3. Dining at a restaurant with others or alone (the people around you probably aren't very interested in what you have to say)
4. On a date (unless you don't want to see that person again)
5. Anytime you're having a conversation with someone at work or at a party (unless you really don't care about making the other person feel that they are not your priority)
6. On public transport (really, most of what you say is not that important.  It's not like you're publishing a cure for cancer.)

Cellphone Vigilante

     There is no doubt that cellphones bring innumerable benefits to our lives like being able to call from the roadside after you've driven your car into a ditch or calling your loved ones at anytime from anywhere.  Yet cellphones have also introduced new complications like having to hear about how drunk a dude and his buddies got while riding the train to work or having your loved ones being able to call you from anywhere at anytime. 

     Recently, the New York Times reported about cell phone jammers in the US.  Depending on their sophistication and power these devices disrupt the radio frequencies that cellphones operate on thus resulting in people talking to dead air or holding phones up looking for a signal.  Jammer devices are illegal in the US but that has not stopped people from ordering them over the Internet.  There people range from vigilante commuters to business owners who want an environment free of electronic chirping and unnecessary conversation. 

   I understand the desire to tell someone to be quiet on the train or to tell someone in a restaurant to take their boring cellphone conversation to the bar or outside but I do not think that it should come at the expense of good manners and self-discipline.  I would prefer to believe that we can all rely on the ability of a free-thinking person to make the choice to not use their mobile phone extensively on public transport or to excuse themselves from a restaurant table.  I would even rather have to get up and confront someone and ask them politely to take their conversation elsewhere instead of surreptitiously relying on an electronic device.  What if you're that James Bond wannabe and your train derails and you are rendered unconscious and bleeding but no one around you can call 911 because of your smart little pocket jamming device? 

   

    

Trick or Treat

Halloween is over but I haven't forgotten it. 

Where I grew up, the night before Halloween is referred to as "Cabbage Night" or "Mischief Night."  On that night, kids get to act out their vandal fantasies.  They decorate houses and trees with toilet paper and shaving cream.  Older kids drive around and throw eggs at the little vandals.  Unfortunately my mother's house was attacked ferociously.  They completely covered her front door with shaving cream topped off with a toilet paper crust.  Very nice.  I don't like this holiday.  I don't know what kind of parents condone such behavior.  I don't.  On Halloween day, these kids should clean up the mess they made.  My mother was lucky, our kind neighbors helped her clean. 

Every year, I hand out candy at my mother's house.  Trick or treaters amaze me.  There seems to be a sense of entitlement to candy.  Some children feel the need to ring the doorbell repeatedly, peer in through the side glass or even try to open the door.   I'm coming.  Relax!  And why would you open the door to a stranger's house?  There were also some kids that grabbed the candy right off my tray even though I was handing it out.  I shouldn't knock them, those kids will probably turn out to run a hedge fund. 

Speaker Phone

Speaker phone should never ever be used during a phone call except as necessary.  At my workplace, everyone has speakerphone and a lot of people like to kick back in their chairs and shout into the tiny little microphone that results in a tinny, barely comprehensible voice on the other end.  I have had many unpleasant yet required conversations where I feel that the other person is yelling at me or they sound like they've been captured by a witch and placed in a small box.  In shared office spaces, your neighbors don't need to hear about every deal point or how much your client annoys you. 

Necessary situations include: 

1. Multiple parties in one office
2. Physical handicap such as a broken arm or neckcast